Dealing with Loss: A Caretakers Journey

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Yes, we are. Hello and welcome to the Balancing Act podcast.

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I am Jamie Wonko here with Mr. Joseph Vitale. Hello, Mr. Vitale.

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Hello, friend. How are you? It is very good to see you today.

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For sure. It's been a few days, Mr. Vitale. It has. It has been a few days.

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It's good to see your smiling face.

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For sure. And you look a little sun-kissed. A little bit. Yeah,

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I guess we've got some things to catch up on today. Absolutely.

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A little bit of sun never hurts anybody.

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But hey, you know what else is never hurts anybody?

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That would be our season three, which is brought to you. That was a rough segue.

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Our season three, which is brought to you by our presenting sponsor,

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which is Teacher's Insurance Plan.

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Make sure you check out their website, which is linked in our episode for more

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information or to get a quote.

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Don't forget, teacher's insurance plan, auto insurance that brings exclusive

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educator savings and exceptional customer care to New Jersey and Pennsylvania

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educational employees.

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You did it. Yes. On a quick side note for a teacher's insurance plan,

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this is the week after teacher's...

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Teacher Appreciation Week? Teacher Appreciation Week, yes.

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So they are doing a bunch of different giveaways off of their website.

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There's different links.

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They had like Uber Eats last week and all sorts of different gift cards in the

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hundreds of dollars to appreciate teachers.

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And I think they're doing some stuff. If I'm not mistaken, it might be all month long.

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I don't know if I'm correct in that. So definitely, if you are a listener,

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check them out on Instagram at Teachers Insurance Plan because they have links

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in their bio to fill in for any of the contests and drawings that they have.

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And only one per week, I think it is. You know that I am a big believer in Teachers Insurance Plan.

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And we're, you know, as a family, we were very happy to make the switch over

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to them last fall. And my sister recently also signed up as a teacher for teacher's insurance plan.

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And, you know, she just had to add her kids came up from college and she had to add two more drivers.

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And, you know, we shopped around a little bit. You know, I love my teacher's

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insurance plan, but shoppers got to be shopping. Right.

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And and we shopped around and they by far had the best quote.

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And so and of course they were so nice on the phone I'm her you know executive

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assistant so we do a lot of those kinds of calls together and I was like jeez

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you missed your calling you missed your calling you missed your calling,

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Even the people at Teachers Insurance Plan that pick up the phone are really nice to talk to.

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Agreed. I've been talking to them as well because our auto insurance is up in

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August. So we've been getting quotes and homeowners insurance and new divisions

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and blah, blah, blah and all the things.

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Yes. All the adulting things that everyone loves to do.

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So, yeah. It's definitely a great relationship for us on the show.

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But also, if you're looking for an auto insurance quote and something else,

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which I did not know, which I learned since I do not normally do these things,

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is that in the state of New Jersey, you can cancel and switch your policy at any time.

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So you don't have to wait for your policy to actually run out.

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You could switch at any point and then, you know, basically have a different

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insurance carrier if you want to.

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You know, this is, you know, they also actually my sister also got renter's insurance with them.

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Yes, which I think just they have They have all sorts of different divisions

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that they work with So many So it was really cool You know, Bundle and Save

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and all the things Bundle and Save, yeah, we're doing commercials on here,

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Unprompted commercials For sure So,

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Look, it's been a minute I haven't seen your smiling face in a while,

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And You have been missed Because we haven't seen you So I think it's important

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for Maybe for us to update our listeners And some of the things that have been

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happening over the last few weeks We've been a little quiet on social media too,

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But you know we're kind of getting back Into the swing of things now And we

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definitely want to update everybody on Some of the life events that have been taking place So.

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Hey, Jane, what's been going on? Yeah, so, you know, we, our article just came

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out in the NJDA magazine, which was amazing.

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And I was reading it and I, you know, was looking at the introduction of it

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and really how the podcast itself was born out of this, you know,

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desire to talk about life, work, family, and managing everything.

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How do you balance everything? And, you know, and so it was really reading it

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this week in particular. It's like, wow, great timing for this uplifting article.

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And I'm so proud of us and everything that we've been doing together.

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But yes, we've been social media has been very quiet, actually posted something

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today for the first time in a lot of days because we were mourning,

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grieving the loss of our mom.

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So we've been in, you know, quite a struggle for a long time,

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which I've talked about on the podcast before and what it's like to be part

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of the sandwich generation and what that means.

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And so my mom went to heaven and, you know, we certainly all...

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You know, had been told for a very long time that it was going to happen.

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But there's nothing really the same as when it actually happens.

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And, you know, a lot of people can say things like, oh, you know,

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you probably were preparing, but you're not prepared.

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And you are readying, but you're not ready.

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And, you know, and so there were some, there was definitely layers to it.

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You know, you don't want someone to be in pain anymore.

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And, you know, if you believe in a higher power and a place,

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you know, that's better than here, you know, like I do, then,

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you know, there is certainly comfort in that.

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You know, so it was a lot. So we, you know, definitely had to help her,

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you know, in the final days and help each other.

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And my dad and my sister and I were there 24-7.

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And we were so proud that we had my mom home for the length of her entire illness,

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which I know a lot of people cannot do.

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And I can understand the magnitude of that and just how difficult it was.

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And the sense of pride that we had in being able to do what was so important.

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My dad felt was so important for her and, you know, what we really felt like was a mission.

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But yeah, so it's been, you know, it's been something else.

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But her services were, could not have been any more perfect.

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And they were celebrating like her life and not her illness they were celebrating

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um all of the love that she gave so freely and um yeah so it was um.

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It was something. Yeah. We're all going to try to figure out what exactly,

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you know, what do our lives look like now?

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Because it's very different. There's a now what, right? Like, now what?

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Right. Yeah. Which is, you know, one of the things I wanted to say today,

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and I've been running it through in my mind, was, you know, everybody knows

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that we're close and we're good friends and stuff like that.

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And everyone, you know, many people were coming up to me afterwards.

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And when you weren't, you know, there for a little while.

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Right. Like, I have missed more school this year. you

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know of course we had some a lot of stuff which of course now

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what we'll talk about Jason's parents but my husband's

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parents right and it's like we have a lot of stuff happening with them but so

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we had you know missed but I at this point I really you know and I kind of say

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like obviously we're a teaching podcast by teachers for teachers I have to say

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you know I have never I've had, you know,

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losses of aunts and uncles and grandparents and things like that.

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But I never had a, you know, a parent.

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And and so I really was able to ask, like, what I don't want to say this wrong,

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but like, what do you get?

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You know, like, what are you entitled to? And it is true, like in New Jersey,

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we do have our teachers union.

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And I kind of want to know, like, what exactly is it?

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Because I have been exhausted and exhausting myself for years at this point, genuinely.

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And so I am not rushing back to work.

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As much as I love my students, as much as I know that they miss me,

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I know for my own mental health and well-being, I need to give it a minute,

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and that's what I'm going to do.

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So I do, yeah, I know you were saying people at work, we work in the same building,

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so people were asking you, I'm sure.

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Yeah, there's not one person who's asked, like, when is she coming back? There's none of that.

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No, yeah, I don't do that. But like...

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So many people came up to me and I made it, we were talking earlier today and

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I made a comment to you about like,

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you just don't understand how many people revere you and love you because so

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many people are coming up to me and asking,

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you know, how you're doing? Have you heard from her?

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What's been going? And I've tried to give you as much space as possible,

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but at the same time, I'm like, you know, hurting for you on,

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on so many levels because of what you and your family are going through as well

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as all the other stuff that's been going on.

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So many people were asking about how you were doing, how is your family,

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and just the way people spoke about you.

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I can't even put into words how positive people were and how much people care

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about you and your well-being.

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And everyone was like, I hope she takes all the time that she needs because

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we, many of us know, um, you know, some people know more details than others

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about what your journey has been over the last,

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four years and how much of a challenge that is to now, you know,

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be in a place of, of pre-grief and now dealing with the actual thing.

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Yeah. Anticipatory grief is, um, very real and, you It's such an interesting thing.

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What's so crazy is like, you know, watching.

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I don't know. Like when you were a kid and you were growing up,

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like, did your dad cry? Yeah.

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Because mine did not my dad cried I remember when his father died I was six

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and I remember it like so vividly and then one time my mom was sick when I was

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like in college and he cried two times my dad,

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when he like said goodbye to me when I went to college I remember him being

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choked up and crying but like not really something that Yeah.

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So there was something about. It's more of the generation. Our dads are both

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the same age. Yeah. So I think there's some of that.

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Yeah. But I know your dad has been very emotional through this whole thing.

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He's been so emotional in the last, like, few weeks.

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Like, that was, there was, like, such a combination of, like,

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just seeing this, like, larger than life, like, stronger than strong man sobbing.

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Yeah. And, you know, and then we would, like, almost make a joke,

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shock that I made a joke of something, but it was, like, get it together, you big baby, you know?

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Get it together, you big baby. I want to tell you something that was actually told to me today.

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I'm going to leave the person's name out of it, but they went up to your dad

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at the services and they said, at the wake, and they said, you know, oh, I work with Jamie.

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And, you know, they said very nice things about you. And your dad just said,

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and she made it a point to say it to me today.

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She said, her dad was like so kind and gracious and was just like,

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you know, Jamie's just the best. And then he heard.

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Somebody else said the same thing about you

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and then he said the same thing and I

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can't tell you how um I'm emotional

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right now because like I wasn't there uh because I was away with my daughter

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for a celebration which you knew about and of course uh you know and and I know

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like I know like you know I I my heart ached to not be there for you and your

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family um but just to know like,

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in those moments how people can find like grace and compassion to say wonderful

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things about others like you know you're his daughter so he's not going to be

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like she sucks like that's,

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you know what i mean like of course he's gonna a couple of points of time though that like,

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things were happening and he like would

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like he was like sobbing and like

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pointing to his heart and to

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me and like and it was just like it was like sign like it was like and i know

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like there were there was no way that either of us were going to get through

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what we got through without each other yeah and there was this sort of unspoken.

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Agreement that was going to be like, I'm here, you're here, we're here,

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we're together. This is it, you know?

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And yeah. And I have to say like the amount of people that showed up was amazing.

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And it really just shows like my mom, people just loved her.

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And like, even like you're in a bed, right?

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I mean, you're in a, you are bed bound. You are home bound. You have no use

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of your hands. You have no use of your feet. You cannot roll over.

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You cannot brush your own teeth. You cannot scratch your foot. Okay.

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Like she could not move. She was stuck in her body.

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And she was awesome. Like she was funny and kind and caring and loving and like

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very, very demonstrative in her love and sharing it.

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And to the point where she would, you know, something would happen or we'd have

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to roll her to change her and do different things.

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And, you know, if we hit her or hurt her, you know, because just by the end,

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her body was just breaking down so badly that she was just such a delicate,

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I mean, it was like tissue paper. Yeah.

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And we would say, like, oh, I'm so sorry. And she'd say, why are you saying

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sorry? It's not your fault.

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And, you know, something would happen. We would do something.

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And she would say, ah, things could always be worse.

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That's, like, kind of. The thing is, though, like, I'm listening to you talk

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about her. Like, that's you.

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Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. No, you could say to your balloon of faith that it's not.

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But, like, that's you. Like, I told you the story today because it cracked me

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up when I'm outside today. and I'm talking with Schwartzy. Hey, Schwartzy.

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And she's like, I went to the services. It was so beautiful.

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I was like, yeah, and I go up there and she introduced me to everybody as Petey's mom.

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And I'm like, Petey is Miss Schwartzy's cat. Her cat, of course, her son.

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And then just for you to be able to find humor in those moments.

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I got caught. This is funny. Jodi Edwards. You know, we've interviewed Edwards.

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She was, yeah, she's a co-owner of Nicholas Creamery. And she's standing on

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line. She's very good friends with my sister and has been for a long time.

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And And my sister, you know, as someone who is, you know, going through some

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personal stuff and a separation and things like that, she had to stand there alone, you know,

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without this was like kind of like the first significant thing that she's done,

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like without a spouse, partner, you know.

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And so I was really like leaning on, you know, towards her and trying to make

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sure that I was there supporting her.

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You're meaning Janine because I lost my train of thought. Yes,

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I mean, Janine. I was like, no.

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Because you were talking about the woman from Nicholas Queen.

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So I'm standing right next to my sister and like there's Jodi across the room

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and the line I have to say like just never ended.

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We had like a four hour wake and really the line never stopped the entire time.

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Like people had to park across the street. It was like pretty crazy, you know.

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And and so like I like leaned over. I kept like leaning to my sister to try

00:17:06.377 --> 00:17:08.057
to add, you know, add a little bit of levity.

00:17:08.177 --> 00:17:11.717
And she and I was like, oh, my God, Jodi's here. Do you think she brought us ice cream?

00:17:15.077 --> 00:17:20.637
Except Jodi is some sort of like lip reader and her and saw me say it to Janine.

00:17:20.637 --> 00:17:22.977
So she came up. She's like, I saw you.

00:17:23.157 --> 00:17:26.077
No, I don't have any ice cream. And I was like, well, you cut a broth.

00:17:28.297 --> 00:17:32.237
But it was really important to my dad. Yeah, it was so important to my dad.

00:17:32.617 --> 00:17:35.297
Also, you know, my sister and I had seven kids in seven years.

00:17:35.497 --> 00:17:40.337
So the row of kids, you know, the line of kids is 20 and 19 and eight,

00:17:40.477 --> 00:17:42.957
almost 18 and almost 18, double, double.

00:17:43.257 --> 00:17:47.177
And then 14, 13, 13. Right. So it's like a lot of people in a row.

00:17:47.337 --> 00:17:56.017
And my dad's request was that he wanted us all to stand in birth order the entire time.

00:17:57.160 --> 00:18:01.320
And, you know, and I've had a couple of people who have said like the image

00:18:01.320 --> 00:18:05.640
of all of those teenagers and no one, everyone's phones were taken,

00:18:05.960 --> 00:18:09.160
collected, and they never left the room.

00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:13.440
Unless someone had to run to get like a little bit of water or something like

00:18:13.440 --> 00:18:17.920
they stayed like that the entire time. And I just feel like there was something

00:18:17.920 --> 00:18:21.960
like very powerful, like for my mom and for my dad to have that.

00:18:22.620 --> 00:18:25.840
No, we're having this is a united front and like this is what you do and this

00:18:25.840 --> 00:18:27.560
is how you stand, you know.

00:18:28.420 --> 00:18:33.160
And so there were like little things like that that I know that I'll kind of take take with me.

00:18:33.280 --> 00:18:36.500
But I don't know. I don't know how you feel about this. And I don't know if it's weird or not.

00:18:36.640 --> 00:18:41.560
But, you know, I and I feel like this is part of kind of something that I might want to share.

00:18:41.740 --> 00:18:44.440
And like maybe we can put in this episode.

00:18:45.120 --> 00:18:51.580
You could work like your editing magic. Sure. But like I did the eulogy.

00:18:53.460 --> 00:18:58.140
Yes, which I want to shout out Robin for sending it to me.

00:18:58.960 --> 00:19:02.380
My plan was actually to watch it before we recorded today.

00:19:02.640 --> 00:19:09.580
But even when we recorded in the comedy of life, my wife was grooming our dog

00:19:09.580 --> 00:19:13.580
last night and nipped his ear and had to bring him to the vet for staples today.

00:19:13.580 --> 00:19:20.080
Right after work so it was yeah you know um it it and it was she was beside

00:19:20.080 --> 00:19:23.340
herself for doing it but like i didn't get a chance to watch it but anyway i'm

00:19:23.340 --> 00:19:28.020
sorry well no so i what i was wondering is um you know what you thought about

00:19:28.020 --> 00:19:31.840
maybe putting it in this episode i can absolutely,

00:19:32.420 --> 00:19:38.740
because it's about it's about seven minutes long yeah and um i'm gonna tell

00:19:38.740 --> 00:19:40.460
you know i'm gonna tell our listeners,

00:19:40.980 --> 00:19:45.140
and obviously if they don't want to, you know, listen to it or they can always

00:19:45.140 --> 00:19:54.720
like fast forward through it or, but I felt really, I had this like deep, compelling feeling.

00:19:56.152 --> 00:20:01.392
It was just like cellular to like just pulling me towards doing this.

00:20:01.592 --> 00:20:05.972
And my mom got sick in September, August really of 22.

00:20:06.352 --> 00:20:11.752
And then in September of 23, we were told she was going to pass away.

00:20:11.872 --> 00:20:12.872
It was my birthday weekend.

00:20:13.472 --> 00:20:17.092
And we kind of, we were sitting at the dining room table. My dad was like,

00:20:17.192 --> 00:20:18.552
okay, you know, Janine, you're going to this.

00:20:18.672 --> 00:20:22.112
And Jamie, you're going to this. And we're going to this. And we'll go here.

00:20:22.232 --> 00:20:26.232
And this is where we have the, you know, the funeral home. woman, but all the details.

00:20:26.452 --> 00:20:32.712
And I remember being like, oh my gosh, like I am going to give the eulogy and

00:20:32.712 --> 00:20:35.732
I, how am I going to write this? I'm distraught.

00:20:37.192 --> 00:20:46.852
So the very first draft of what I spoke last week was started on September 12th of 2023.

00:20:47.952 --> 00:20:53.572
And for me, it was a living, breathing document.

00:20:53.812 --> 00:20:56.952
It's like they always say that about the Constitution, but it was like this

00:20:56.952 --> 00:20:58.792
person. I mean, it's true.

00:20:58.952 --> 00:21:06.692
It was like this person that I went to, to every time we went through like a

00:21:06.692 --> 00:21:08.832
new phase or something happened.

00:21:10.781 --> 00:21:17.821
I added to it. If I heard something that was significant to me or meant something

00:21:17.821 --> 00:21:22.161
or felt like I was changed from it, I put it in.

00:21:24.441 --> 00:21:28.881
And I have gone to funerals before, you know, and obviously being Catholic,

00:21:29.101 --> 00:21:33.181
the priests, you know, sometimes they know the parishioners.

00:21:33.281 --> 00:21:35.921
I mean, my mom couldn't go to church because she can't leave the house.

00:21:36.001 --> 00:21:38.141
So she had people coming to her, but it wasn't the same.

00:21:38.141 --> 00:21:41.061
So we knew but i mean the priest did a fantastic job don't

00:21:41.061 --> 00:21:43.801
get me wrong he was amazing um but it wasn't going

00:21:43.801 --> 00:21:46.641
to be like someone who goes to a certain parish or something week

00:21:46.641 --> 00:21:49.421
after week because you couldn't yeah and um so anyway

00:21:49.421 --> 00:21:58.461
i just felt so driven to so compelled in that time where you have less than

00:21:58.461 --> 00:22:06.221
10 minutes to say to everyone that loved this person that took you know took

00:22:06.221 --> 00:22:09.361
off from work and showed up to say their final goodbyes,

00:22:11.241 --> 00:22:18.241
everything that, you know, it's like, how do you, how do you do that in seven minutes?

00:22:19.181 --> 00:22:24.801
I had multiple people say to me, like, what you said was so beautiful and poignant

00:22:24.801 --> 00:22:32.201
and wonderful and that the strength that you showed to be there and do that, which I, I, I, and,

00:22:33.061 --> 00:22:36.041
my, my thought to myself was like, I am not shocked.

00:22:36.221 --> 00:22:39.441
Because I know the kind of person that you are and how you can,

00:22:39.581 --> 00:22:42.161
let's say, rise to the occasion.

00:22:43.459 --> 00:22:47.339
Good morning. Our mother loved her childhood.

00:22:47.679 --> 00:22:53.339
She loved her parents. She loved her brothers, and she loved being Irish.

00:22:54.119 --> 00:22:59.599
She loved the city of Newark and being raised there. She loved swimming.

00:23:00.139 --> 00:23:06.379
She loved being a majorette, baton twirler, and she loved talking about her first car.

00:23:06.959 --> 00:23:12.939
She was a hard worker and loved being a dental assistant, a career which began in high school.

00:23:13.579 --> 00:23:19.019
In high school, when our parents met, our dad was a college prep student and

00:23:19.019 --> 00:23:21.599
mom was a fun-loving secretarial major.

00:23:22.199 --> 00:23:27.259
We always laughed at this because she cannot type or take shorthand.

00:23:28.119 --> 00:23:32.699
When asked by the yearbook to list her favorite class, she wrote homeroom.

00:23:33.259 --> 00:23:36.319
And it just spoke to her love of all things social.

00:23:36.979 --> 00:23:41.459
This was great for my dad because he's more of a low-key type person.

00:23:41.459 --> 00:23:44.019
And my mom brought out the best parts of him.

00:23:44.439 --> 00:23:48.779
Mom was a great friend and is still friends with the ladies she met in grammar

00:23:48.779 --> 00:23:52.879
school in Down Neck, Newark, her beloved city.

00:23:53.539 --> 00:23:58.419
Loving her friends and seeing them, talking to them, was such a big part of who she was.

00:23:59.319 --> 00:24:05.259
My dad came from a much bigger family than hers, and she loved his siblings like they were her own.

00:24:05.999 --> 00:24:09.719
Most of them were younger than her, and they came to see her as a sister.

00:24:09.719 --> 00:24:14.539
For the last four years, while she was bedbound and homebound,

00:24:14.959 --> 00:24:19.079
some of her most cherished days were visits from the kids.

00:24:19.699 --> 00:24:23.539
Every visit with the great nieces and nephews gave her more joy than we can

00:24:23.539 --> 00:24:27.059
express, and we thank those of you who came to see her.

00:24:28.164 --> 00:24:33.804
You have no idea how much joy and deep sense of connection that your visits brought her.

00:24:34.804 --> 00:24:38.704
My father provided my mom with every single thing a person could ever need.

00:24:38.864 --> 00:24:40.784
He never, ever said no to her.

00:24:41.184 --> 00:24:45.884
She was a great partner for him, patient, easygoing, frugal,

00:24:45.884 --> 00:24:47.424
and willing to sacrifice.

00:24:47.944 --> 00:24:54.704
The very definition of love was not just displayed in the last four years with

00:24:54.704 --> 00:24:59.564
the love and care he provided her, but over the 60-year dedication they had

00:24:59.564 --> 00:25:01.244
to taking care of one another.

00:25:01.604 --> 00:25:05.104
They made promises to one another and never went back on them.

00:25:05.504 --> 00:25:11.284
The end-of-life care she receives is not their whole story. It is only a small piece of it.

00:25:11.664 --> 00:25:15.364
We can all say that we were part of a genuine love story that was steeped in

00:25:15.364 --> 00:25:19.404
respect, mutual admiration, and unfettered devotion.

00:25:19.964 --> 00:25:22.324
He needed her as much as she needed him.

00:25:22.904 --> 00:25:28.304
Janine and I are proud of the example of selfless devotion we were raised in.

00:25:29.624 --> 00:25:33.124
Devotion is the bomb that eases life's great pain.

00:25:34.264 --> 00:25:37.504
I think as parents, we would all like to believe that our kids look back on

00:25:37.504 --> 00:25:40.444
their childhoods and feel that they gave them all that they needed.

00:25:40.844 --> 00:25:43.024
I can say that about my own experience.

00:25:43.664 --> 00:25:45.864
Every day with our mom was a, sure,

00:25:47.168 --> 00:25:50.748
Can I take out the champagne glasses and play rich people? Sure.

00:25:51.148 --> 00:25:56.228
Can we remove the silverware and use its partition as a cash register? Sure.

00:25:56.768 --> 00:25:59.968
Can you pick up our kids on a half day of school? Sure.

00:26:00.548 --> 00:26:05.908
Can you live with us after we bring home preemie NICU twins and help us feed them round the clock?

00:26:06.608 --> 00:26:11.188
Sure. Of course. You couldn't even tell my mom something she was eating looked

00:26:11.188 --> 00:26:13.188
good or she would insist on sharing it with you.

00:26:13.968 --> 00:26:20.268
Never was there a more selfless person. She never snooped. She never pried. She was never a nag.

00:26:20.868 --> 00:26:24.408
She made it so that Janine and I wanted to share everything we could with her.

00:26:24.588 --> 00:26:28.048
And as we came to say, we were addicted to being near her.

00:26:29.948 --> 00:26:32.748
There was never a day that we didn't speak to each other multiple times,

00:26:32.748 --> 00:26:36.328
not a summer of living together that wouldn't end in tears because we would

00:26:36.328 --> 00:26:37.828
miss seeing each other so badly.

00:26:38.648 --> 00:26:42.248
Jason couldn't wait to run to get her a coffee and watch Wheel of and Jap with

00:26:42.248 --> 00:26:44.708
her. Everyone always wanted to be near her.

00:26:45.208 --> 00:26:48.448
Over the last few years, not a weekend went by that she didn't say,

00:26:48.988 --> 00:26:50.308
I wish you could live here with me.

00:26:51.188 --> 00:26:53.968
Waiting for you every Friday feels like waiting for Christmas.

00:26:55.368 --> 00:26:59.468
I will never be the same again. None of us will ever be the same again.

00:27:00.228 --> 00:27:04.708
But the shape of our beings and the embodiment of who we are is because of her love.

00:27:05.068 --> 00:27:09.248
And we will honor her by living as she would, from a place of love,

00:27:09.508 --> 00:27:13.048
laughter, and always answering as she would. Sure.

00:27:13.628 --> 00:27:18.748
My mother would ask why would god do this to me i lived my life in kindness

00:27:18.748 --> 00:27:24.468
tough questions to hear for the most kind and cherished mom one could have and

00:27:24.468 --> 00:27:26.788
as it came to pass while i began in resentment,

00:27:27.448 --> 00:27:32.368
i ended in reverence for our god that tells us to forgive and that it was okay

00:27:32.368 --> 00:27:37.888
for me to be angry when i needed to be but that in the end all is left up to him.

00:27:39.211 --> 00:27:44.111
Grief, even anticipatory grief that comes with a long, cruel illness like our

00:27:44.111 --> 00:27:47.751
mom's, is really just love that has no place to go.

00:27:48.751 --> 00:27:53.271
When our mom got sick, the doctors told us she had less than six months to live.

00:27:53.651 --> 00:27:56.171
That was nearly four years ago.

00:27:56.791 --> 00:28:00.371
Even while suffering a debilitated illness that had no treatment or cure,

00:28:00.711 --> 00:28:05.071
her ability to make others laugh and find joy in everyday life was unparalleled.

00:28:05.871 --> 00:28:10.291
In contrast to the deep sadness in her life, our mother was always remarkably

00:28:10.291 --> 00:28:12.391
able to find the sunshine.

00:28:12.951 --> 00:28:17.451
Her light is not dimmed because it shines on in the faces of the seven most

00:28:17.451 --> 00:28:19.051
incredible people in her world.

00:28:19.691 --> 00:28:25.891
Possibly the role that she loved the most, Nana, is everything that everyone should aspire to be.

00:28:26.651 --> 00:28:30.951
We would often argue who loved Kira more, and she would usually win.

00:28:31.531 --> 00:28:35.671
Kira and my mom have the same initials, KG, and she was forever changed the

00:28:35.671 --> 00:28:37.431
day Kira decided to call her nana.

00:28:38.611 --> 00:28:41.591
Cole was her first baby boy and she would light up at the mere mention of his

00:28:41.591 --> 00:28:43.571
name, my Cole buddy, she would say.

00:28:44.511 --> 00:28:49.271
Her handsome Colin, Cole J, was always making her smile and her Drew,

00:28:49.491 --> 00:28:52.711
Drewster, knew just how to snuggle on her lap for hours.

00:28:53.391 --> 00:28:56.671
Kylie, Avery, and Brynn came along when we thought there would be no more grands,

00:28:56.931 --> 00:28:59.591
so the hikes up and down the parkway started again.

00:29:00.291 --> 00:29:04.311
Kylie, her strong and independent beauty. Avery, her tiny sweetheart,

00:29:04.851 --> 00:29:08.271
and Brynn, her personal barista, who loved her nana.

00:29:09.332 --> 00:29:12.872
They are all better people because of the unconditional love and devotion of

00:29:12.872 --> 00:29:14.612
time they received from her.

00:29:15.052 --> 00:29:21.252
School plays, concerts, games, art shows, and ceremonies. No event too insignificant.

00:29:22.012 --> 00:29:27.372
They always knew Nana and Poppy would be there. Always. And no one can ever

00:29:27.372 --> 00:29:29.552
take those memories away from any of you.

00:29:30.152 --> 00:29:34.672
Before she got sick, you could find my mother chatting with the workers at the

00:29:34.672 --> 00:29:37.072
Wawa, cleaning up the coffee bar.

00:29:37.632 --> 00:29:42.332
She truly lived the motto, always leave a place better than you found it.

00:29:42.872 --> 00:29:47.032
With patience and kindness, she walked this earth, an angel to all who knew her.

00:29:47.452 --> 00:29:51.312
We have no question there is a special place in heaven waiting for her where

00:29:51.312 --> 00:29:53.132
she can finally be without pain.

00:29:53.612 --> 00:29:57.772
So when you hear good music playing, stop and have a dance for her.

00:29:57.992 --> 00:30:01.832
When you notice a shamrock, stop and send her an Irish blessing.

00:30:02.372 --> 00:30:06.012
And when you can tell someone you love them, say it like she would,

00:30:06.172 --> 00:30:12.672
over and over, without pause or reservation, and blow numerous kisses at the

00:30:12.672 --> 00:30:14.392
end of every conversation,

00:30:14.952 --> 00:30:19.552
lingering for an extra moment, as if it might be the last time you get to hear

00:30:19.552 --> 00:30:22.332
their voice or cover their face with kisses.

00:30:23.172 --> 00:30:27.772
My mom called me her heart, and our connection will always be greater than this world.

00:30:28.352 --> 00:30:32.292
And now, with my own heart left incomplete forever

00:30:32.292 --> 00:30:35.132
i leave you with this you know

00:30:35.132 --> 00:30:40.692
that place the place between sleep and awake the place where you can always

00:30:40.692 --> 00:30:46.392
remember dreaming that's where i'll love you that's where i'll be waiting for

00:30:46.392 --> 00:30:52.572
this we wish to our beloved wife mom and nana we all can't wait to see you there,

00:30:53.605 --> 00:30:54.125
Thank you.

00:30:59.465 --> 00:31:03.965
I knew this was like the finite end of things over the last few weeks. Yeah.

00:31:04.285 --> 00:31:08.005
Just from how you were talking and how things were going. But I know there was

00:31:08.005 --> 00:31:11.145
this air about you where you were like, oh, they told us she's going to pass

00:31:11.145 --> 00:31:12.665
away again. Here we go again.

00:31:12.885 --> 00:31:16.605
I couldn't commit. I know. And you were just like, oh, OK. So in another two

00:31:16.605 --> 00:31:18.645
weeks, another month, they'll tell us she's going to pass.

00:31:18.765 --> 00:31:22.665
And then like, because it was literally September of 2023 and then whatever

00:31:22.665 --> 00:31:26.845
in 2024. I mean, over and over and over again. And I'm going to tell you.

00:31:27.105 --> 00:31:30.945
This past Easter in April, like, it was like, you know, all the things.

00:31:31.685 --> 00:31:38.185
I mean, and I'm going to tell you, we were there and, you know, well, it's so wild.

00:31:38.505 --> 00:31:41.945
The hospice people kept telling us, you know, you have to get out of the room

00:31:41.945 --> 00:31:46.905
because oftentimes people will not pass away if their loved one is in the room with them.

00:31:47.765 --> 00:31:51.025
And you do hear this, like, a lot from many, many people.

00:31:52.285 --> 00:32:01.165
And so we, my sister had fallen asleep and my mom's caretaker and my dad and I, she was leaving.

00:32:01.465 --> 00:32:05.965
You know, she was leaving every day at two o'clock and there was a terrible

00:32:05.965 --> 00:32:07.325
fire in Beach Haven West.

00:32:07.485 --> 00:32:11.205
Did you see any of the pictures of that? I did not. I did not. Oh my goodness.

00:32:11.365 --> 00:32:18.405
So the night before, Wednesday night, that was April 29th, they...

00:32:20.018 --> 00:32:23.358
All of a sudden, I'm like, what is that? And we could hear sirens and sirens

00:32:23.358 --> 00:32:26.078
and sirens. It was nuts, Joe. I mean, it was crazy.

00:32:27.278 --> 00:32:31.198
And we were like, what in the heck is going on? And I was in the kitchen and

00:32:31.198 --> 00:32:33.718
I was like, oh my God, I see it.

00:32:34.898 --> 00:32:36.618
So we went on the front porch. Then

00:32:36.618 --> 00:32:40.498
we went upstairs in my parents' house because we're so much higher up.

00:32:41.318 --> 00:32:43.018
It was so awful.

00:32:44.058 --> 00:32:47.218
So yeah, it was crazy. The house is completely gone.

00:32:47.938 --> 00:32:52.218
The people were not home, thank goodness. And then the houses on either side

00:32:52.218 --> 00:32:54.558
were, you know, were struck as well.

00:32:54.678 --> 00:32:58.378
But so it was like the nurse came at 1.30.

00:32:58.698 --> 00:33:01.378
This was Thursday. The nurse came at 1.30. She said, just keep doing what you're

00:33:01.378 --> 00:33:02.858
doing and there's no change.

00:33:03.038 --> 00:33:09.758
And my sister was like actually had fallen asleep like halfway through the visit

00:33:09.758 --> 00:33:13.478
because, you know, we had to be up every single hour.

00:33:13.698 --> 00:33:16.698
So it's just, you know how that is. It's exhausting.

00:33:17.478 --> 00:33:20.658
And it was like every two hours for a couple of days and it was every hour.

00:33:22.278 --> 00:33:26.878
And so my dad said to me, so the nurse left and said, just keep doing what you're doing, guys.

00:33:27.058 --> 00:33:31.978
You know, she'll go in her own time. And Karen was leaving and my dad said,

00:33:32.078 --> 00:33:34.018
oh, you want to go see the fire?

00:33:34.298 --> 00:33:38.218
Like, you know, do you want to go drive and see it? And I said, yeah, absolutely.

00:33:39.738 --> 00:33:44.018
This was like, I don't know, two o'clock. We were gone.

00:33:44.418 --> 00:33:49.598
I mean, it was two blocks away. We were gone like all of eight minutes, if that.

00:33:49.778 --> 00:33:53.338
I mean, the time it took us to drive, drive down the block, look at the house

00:33:53.338 --> 00:33:56.258
and drive back home. And we walked in the door.

00:33:57.638 --> 00:34:01.978
I looked and I was like, oh, she's gone. I couldn't.

00:34:02.058 --> 00:34:05.958
It was like, but I'm going to tell you that I even in that moment,

00:34:05.958 --> 00:34:08.178
it took me a while to realize that.

00:34:10.197 --> 00:34:15.097
Is it for real? You know, like really, really, you know, because we just,

00:34:15.417 --> 00:34:18.697
but the people, I mean, people who do that, you know, it's always like,

00:34:18.817 --> 00:34:22.337
we always joke like, oh, we could never teach kindergarten, you know?

00:34:22.457 --> 00:34:23.537
I don't know how people do that.

00:34:23.677 --> 00:34:28.277
I don't know how people do that. But also like, I don't know how people are hospice nurses.

00:34:28.737 --> 00:34:31.337
You know, like your job is dying.

00:34:32.037 --> 00:34:39.957
But these, these women, my God, they are outrageous. Jess, I mean, talk about a calling.

00:34:40.457 --> 00:34:43.337
It's really, I mean, it's unbelievable.

00:34:43.857 --> 00:34:48.117
I don't know. I just don't know how somebody does that. But thank God they do.

00:34:49.337 --> 00:34:52.117
Yeah. Thank God they do. And I don't know if there's this, like,

00:34:53.777 --> 00:34:58.617
superpower I can put blinders on and not see past, like.

00:35:00.297 --> 00:35:04.377
You know, or project yourself into it.

00:35:04.597 --> 00:35:07.877
Like, listen, I know it's a pet. I'm not making the exact same thing.

00:35:07.957 --> 00:35:10.617
I was literally watching a movie yesterday and there was a scene where they

00:35:10.617 --> 00:35:12.757
put a dog down and I was like, I can't watch this.

00:35:13.077 --> 00:35:17.177
I was like, I fast forwarded the 15 seconds and I was like, I'll just go to something else.

00:35:17.437 --> 00:35:22.577
Like it like those types of things affect me in regards to loss.

00:35:23.717 --> 00:35:27.197
I think a lot of it because, you know, of of things that I've gone through.

00:35:27.337 --> 00:35:30.157
But like I haven't went through what you've went through. You know what I mean?

00:35:30.317 --> 00:35:35.477
So, no, I mean, but you don't have to to have empathy for it. No, there's not.

00:35:35.777 --> 00:35:40.177
Yeah. Yeah, but it's, it is. And it's like, um, she came, our nurse came to

00:35:40.177 --> 00:35:43.757
the week, which was so lovely. You know, we got so close with her and, um.

00:35:45.234 --> 00:35:47.874
You know, and my dad even said, like, what am I going to do?

00:35:48.154 --> 00:35:53.154
Like, the next day, he was like, what am I, like, am I going to see her again?

00:35:53.394 --> 00:35:57.774
You know, because you just become like, it's such an intimate situation with people, you know? Yeah.

00:35:57.994 --> 00:36:01.374
And and so we I said, let's call her. You know, we called her. She's so great.

00:36:01.554 --> 00:36:07.154
She came to the week and she said my mom had chosen to have a closed casket.

00:36:07.454 --> 00:36:15.114
And she said, oh, OK, because if there's someone like I can't do it, I can't see a dead body.

00:36:16.974 --> 00:36:20.014
Isn't that isn't that like on like banana right and

00:36:20.014 --> 00:36:22.814
it's like whoa like you're you are a

00:36:22.814 --> 00:36:25.614
hospice nurse and you were telling us like this is

00:36:25.614 --> 00:36:28.354
going to happen and the breathing is going to happen and then this is like and

00:36:28.354 --> 00:36:32.274
you were all the things and like nothing seemed to bother you right so it was

00:36:32.274 --> 00:36:37.934
just like it was so human in that moment of like yeah everyone has like even

00:36:37.934 --> 00:36:41.414
if you're that close to it and like that's what you do like even in that moment

00:36:41.414 --> 00:36:44.674
you have you know um that like particular,

00:36:44.934 --> 00:36:48.934
like, oh, no, that's my, everybody has a limit, you know, like everyone has

00:36:48.934 --> 00:36:50.114
like sort of a stopping point.

00:36:50.274 --> 00:36:55.754
But yeah, so I, so I feel like my only really, because everybody's situations are so different.

00:36:55.754 --> 00:36:59.974
And I know like recently we had a good friend at the pod that told us like everybody's

00:36:59.974 --> 00:37:03.074
cuts burn and, you know, and it is true.

00:37:03.074 --> 00:37:14.474
But I have to say that the thing that gave me so much peace was what I was able to speak.

00:37:15.490 --> 00:37:19.750
On her behalf and how I was able to put that out into the universe.

00:37:20.230 --> 00:37:23.970
And my mom has some friends that live in different parts of the country,

00:37:23.970 --> 00:37:28.090
a brother in Washington and her best friend in Las Vegas. And people are getting

00:37:28.090 --> 00:37:29.650
older. It's very difficult to travel.

00:37:30.370 --> 00:37:34.410
And so my one aunt had said, can you please live stream this?

00:37:35.210 --> 00:37:39.090
And we had not really even, that wasn't like on our- That was the first,

00:37:39.310 --> 00:37:45.370
when you sent the link to me, that was the first time that I saw that they actually did that.

00:37:45.950 --> 00:37:49.570
I didn't know that you could do that. You can.

00:37:49.850 --> 00:37:53.430
And the church, you know, give us $100 and we, you know, would you like.

00:37:54.950 --> 00:37:58.970
Give us $75 for one camera and $100 for two cameras. And we were like,

00:37:59.110 --> 00:38:01.230
we'll take two cameras for, you know.

00:38:01.550 --> 00:38:04.790
But yeah, so, yes. Which, I mean, you know, I get it.

00:38:04.910 --> 00:38:07.210
Like, there's, of course, this business aspect of, you know,

00:38:07.330 --> 00:38:13.490
part of it was, And my dad and I had talked about all of those like little intricacies for so long.

00:38:13.890 --> 00:38:17.210
And, you know, and so there is this reality.

00:38:17.590 --> 00:38:23.870
You know me. I'm very, I am very much a realist. So I don't mind the...

00:38:25.240 --> 00:38:29.120
What is it going to cost? Is it worth the price? How do we feel?

00:38:29.240 --> 00:38:34.340
You know, you have to kind of do that, like, really what feels right to you. Yeah.

00:38:34.660 --> 00:38:39.400
And and every single detail of what she wanted,

00:38:39.600 --> 00:38:46.880
what my mom wanted and every single moment of, you know, where we put our kids

00:38:46.880 --> 00:38:49.760
into this or everybody had a part, all seven kids.

00:38:49.760 --> 00:38:55.400
Because Kira, excuse me, Kira spoke so beautifully on behalf of the kids and

00:38:55.400 --> 00:39:01.480
her, her speech, her speech was amazing. You know, it was just so perfect.

00:39:01.980 --> 00:39:07.400
And, you know, everybody that came and, and I have to say, you know,

00:39:07.600 --> 00:39:14.100
it is such a reminder of like, what the point of life is, you know,

00:39:14.260 --> 00:39:15.860
and like what we're here for.

00:39:16.920 --> 00:39:20.520
Because in those moments you know like that's what's

00:39:20.520 --> 00:39:23.500
important it is the the relationships that you

00:39:23.500 --> 00:39:29.220
build and you grow and you foster and what you pour into and the things that

00:39:29.220 --> 00:39:36.520
you enjoy and love because that's all really that matters yeah you know and

00:39:36.520 --> 00:39:40.960
at the same time like that's that's why people you know you can there's a lot

00:39:40.960 --> 00:39:42.500
of people that showed up to this thing.

00:39:45.060 --> 00:39:49.220
Because of how they feel about you. You need to know that. Yeah,

00:39:49.220 --> 00:39:52.760
it was for your mom, but there are so many people that feel like,

00:39:53.705 --> 00:39:59.245
Um, you know, about the joy and the levity that you bring to our jobs each and

00:39:59.245 --> 00:40:02.185
every day and just, you know, finding those, those little moments,

00:40:02.305 --> 00:40:07.725
like you bring joy to a lot of people, uh, myself included and, you know, yeah.

00:40:08.325 --> 00:40:10.265
And, and there, well, yeah.

00:40:11.365 --> 00:40:14.385
Um, and there's a lot of people that showed up because of that too.

00:40:14.545 --> 00:40:19.005
So, so like, I think, you know, when you were saying before about the things

00:40:19.005 --> 00:40:21.765
that your mom, you know, would do, she's like, well, it could be worse.

00:40:21.765 --> 00:40:25.585
Like, like that's, but that's you like that, like that's you.

00:40:25.825 --> 00:40:29.405
And I think there's some of her spirit in you, which you'll carry with you throughout,

00:40:29.585 --> 00:40:30.525
throughout the rest of your life.

00:40:30.665 --> 00:40:34.225
Like there's a lot of people that, uh, revere you very much and,

00:40:34.345 --> 00:40:37.605
and care about you and care about your wellbeing and they want to see you,

00:40:37.685 --> 00:40:42.485
but they're like, don't come back to work, you know, spend as much time as you want. Yes.

00:40:42.565 --> 00:40:46.845
I know my sister today was like, you know, you didn't really even take maternity

00:40:46.845 --> 00:40:49.645
leaves, which is funny, you know, cause sometimes you kind of need to hear,

00:40:49.805 --> 00:40:52.985
like you need someone to tell you like yeah you know because obviously i'm

00:40:52.985 --> 00:40:55.845
i've been working and you just go to work and then you're like work work work and

00:40:55.845 --> 00:40:58.725
i'm running and going and um and

00:40:58.725 --> 00:41:06.905
so um you know our uh allowance is five days um five work days right and so

00:41:06.905 --> 00:41:13.725
um that would give me um like about a week of time you know and uh and then

00:41:13.725 --> 00:41:18.525
you can take seven um consecutive sick days after immediately after.

00:41:19.305 --> 00:41:20.785
And so I said, you know what?

00:41:20.845 --> 00:41:25.805
I'm going to give myself a couple more days, you know?

00:41:26.225 --> 00:41:31.385
Yeah. I feel like I need it.

00:41:31.385 --> 00:41:41.405
And I do also want to make sure that my dad is okay and I can go there and be

00:41:41.405 --> 00:41:44.825
with him. And I don't have to feel like I'm...

00:41:46.090 --> 00:41:49.790
Really flattened out with all the running because

00:41:49.790 --> 00:41:52.750
it was such an exhausting week like leading up

00:41:52.750 --> 00:41:55.430
to her passing and um you know

00:41:55.430 --> 00:41:58.530
i mean this is the reason that like almost 50 year olds don't have

00:41:58.530 --> 00:42:01.590
babies you know because this body

00:42:01.590 --> 00:42:04.430
this body is not made to get up

00:42:04.430 --> 00:42:07.810
i mean we were every two hours for 24 hours

00:42:07.810 --> 00:42:10.770
and then every hour for 24 hours so

00:42:10.770 --> 00:42:14.090
yeah to set the iphone alarm 132 33

00:42:14.090 --> 00:42:16.850
34 it was like uh you know

00:42:16.850 --> 00:42:20.170
to do uh to do that and of course you know we were

00:42:20.170 --> 00:42:23.390
so um we we

00:42:23.390 --> 00:42:26.290
we it was very important that we do it um and

00:42:26.290 --> 00:42:29.190
we and it meant everything to us but at the same time

00:42:29.190 --> 00:42:31.790
you know you don't you're doing it and then

00:42:31.790 --> 00:42:35.250
you don't realize like the exhaustion that comes after

00:42:35.250 --> 00:42:41.310
um you know because you're just such in a state of like perpetual motion um

00:42:41.310 --> 00:42:48.470
but yeah so and there's also a lot of things I think that all of the kids saw

00:42:48.470 --> 00:42:51.970
in how you guys handled that situation.

00:42:52.430 --> 00:42:57.610
I think there's this hidden curriculum of what you've taught them through how

00:42:57.610 --> 00:43:04.230
you've approached life and death for that matter.

00:43:05.230 --> 00:43:09.570
And that's a big thing that a lot of kids don't learn.

00:43:09.910 --> 00:43:12.550
There's a lot of parents that sometimes shield their kids from that.

00:43:12.550 --> 00:43:16.850
Like they don't take them to funerals or they don't take them to, you know.

00:43:18.050 --> 00:43:24.990
Bad family things to like expose them to that stuff because they don't want

00:43:24.990 --> 00:43:26.890
them to feel pain or discomfort.

00:43:27.070 --> 00:43:33.550
But unfortunately, that's a lot of what life is. And it just doesn't stop.

00:43:33.830 --> 00:43:38.850
You know, we all know that. You know, it keeps going. And sometimes you want everything to stop.

00:43:38.970 --> 00:43:40.870
But I mean, talk about the highs and the lows. It was like we,

00:43:40.990 --> 00:43:44.590
you know, it was, uh, we were trying to figure out, you know, uh.

00:43:46.027 --> 00:43:48.747
What was the good day and not a good day and then like how

00:43:48.747 --> 00:43:51.427
are the kids and does anybody have a schedule conflict and like

00:43:51.427 --> 00:43:54.167
how do we work around it and um you know we

00:43:54.167 --> 00:43:56.827
have seven kids uh and six of the seven of

00:43:56.827 --> 00:43:59.487
them are graduating this year yeah um you know

00:43:59.487 --> 00:44:02.307
so we were kind of like okay and then well this and then well that and you know

00:44:02.307 --> 00:44:05.247
and it kind of my we were saying like my mom was

00:44:05.247 --> 00:44:08.027
so like even in the her date that she

00:44:08.027 --> 00:44:11.267
chose it was like her kindness and polite

00:44:11.267 --> 00:44:14.067
sort of caring about everybody it was like

00:44:14.067 --> 00:44:17.607
the most like in between everybody

00:44:17.607 --> 00:44:21.447
around let me get myself out of the let me just get myself out of the way so

00:44:21.447 --> 00:44:25.487
everybody else can you know move on with their big uh accomplishments and even

00:44:25.487 --> 00:44:30.407
like even my niece had to go to um like she had a class trip that was overnight

00:44:30.407 --> 00:44:36.187
in in washington dc oh yeah even that yeah like even that didn't we were like gosh mom But,

00:44:36.267 --> 00:44:38.967
you know, that's, she was always so considerate.

00:44:39.127 --> 00:44:45.267
And, yeah, so it was definitely, it's some of it, I don't know.

00:44:45.447 --> 00:44:51.207
I know we had a, Drew won this award and I thought to myself in the car when

00:44:51.207 --> 00:44:56.007
we left, like, oh my gosh, I can't wait to call mommy and tell her she's going to be so excited.

00:44:57.247 --> 00:45:00.347
And it was like. There's a lot, there's a lot of that. Grief shows,

00:45:00.347 --> 00:45:04.947
you know, closure is not like this door that's just there. It's those little

00:45:04.947 --> 00:45:07.027
moments where it's going to be like, oh, let me just call.

00:45:07.707 --> 00:45:11.027
No, can't do that. I'm like, I get that completely.

00:45:12.247 --> 00:45:16.367
You know, I made it a point to reach out to everyone in your family, as I alluded to before.

00:45:16.707 --> 00:45:20.087
They told me. They told me. Yeah. Yeah. I, you know, I reached out to Janine

00:45:20.087 --> 00:45:27.247
and all the kids because my daughter and I were in, Jamie made a comment of me being sun-kissed.

00:45:27.387 --> 00:45:31.007
My daughter and I were in Orlando this past weekend because we had booked a

00:45:31.007 --> 00:45:34.847
trip back in around Christmas time for my daughter as a surprise because we've

00:45:34.847 --> 00:45:38.087
always talked about going to Disney World for Star Wars weekend.

00:45:38.367 --> 00:45:43.027
Right? So we were there with all and I many times I'm,

00:45:43.984 --> 00:45:47.724
What made me laugh is like Sophia and I will be talking about something. I did something.

00:45:47.904 --> 00:45:50.604
I was like, here's what Miss Wonka does. Anytime I start talking about stuff

00:45:50.604 --> 00:45:53.784
like this, I just started going, nerds, nerds, nerds.

00:45:57.544 --> 00:46:00.744
I mean, talk about an opportunity to say nerds, nerds, nerds.

00:46:00.744 --> 00:46:05.184
I made a point when we went out to dinner to get a good bourbon and toast your

00:46:05.184 --> 00:46:06.124
mom and send you a picture.

00:46:06.364 --> 00:46:11.264
And I reached out to all the kids and to your dad. And I have to tell you,

00:46:11.384 --> 00:46:13.724
Drew was super moved by Joey.

00:46:15.266 --> 00:46:19.486
I told Joey, and Joey was really upset.

00:46:19.766 --> 00:46:21.966
Joey was upset for his friend. Our boys are super close. Yeah,

00:46:22.126 --> 00:46:29.986
and they're not necessarily the most demonstrative, wordy.

00:46:31.906 --> 00:46:35.926
So for Drew to stop him really like...

00:46:36.786 --> 00:46:45.446
My son has a small circle, but he's loyal to the people that are important to him. Yeah.

00:46:45.826 --> 00:46:49.666
So, and that's your son into you and to, you know, and I also want to give a little, uh,

00:46:50.566 --> 00:46:55.746
I, I struggled mentally last week and I realized it's not me and I don't want

00:46:55.746 --> 00:46:59.146
to make this about, I'm not making this about me, but like, I struggled mentally

00:46:59.146 --> 00:47:02.306
last week a lot because I was going to be away during this.

00:47:02.446 --> 00:47:05.306
And I was like, you know, she can be upset with me that I'm not there.

00:47:05.426 --> 00:47:09.066
And I was like, so projecting onto myself, which was so effing stupid.

00:47:09.066 --> 00:47:11.046
Cause I knew the answer to that question.

00:47:11.866 --> 00:47:14.686
And, you know, I knew, like I said to my wife, I said like,

00:47:14.686 --> 00:47:17.806
hey can you go down she's like i have the thing with my mom in staten

00:47:17.806 --> 00:47:24.046
island because my mom my my mother-in-law um you know went to um lived in new

00:47:24.046 --> 00:47:26.946
york and people in staten island and after my father-in-law passed away like

00:47:26.946 --> 00:47:30.886
she takes her there every year for this big family event yeah and i was away

00:47:30.886 --> 00:47:34.986
and you know i was i texted your husband i said man i'm sorry about your mother-in-law,

00:47:35.526 --> 00:47:39.886
and he said like oh man enjoyed disney this weekend because he remembered and

00:47:39.886 --> 00:47:43.826
i like and he wasn't being sarcastic and i was like dude i'm so broken up that

00:47:43.826 --> 00:47:46.746
i'm not going to be there this weekend he's like his life's like seriously he's

00:47:46.746 --> 00:47:48.266
like dude i'm not being sarcastic like,

00:47:48.966 --> 00:47:51.186
he said to me and it kind of set me at ease.

00:47:53.139 --> 00:47:58.019
Where he just went like, hey, it's not movie tickets. Like, as Jason would do.

00:47:58.179 --> 00:47:59.579
You know what I mean? Of course. Absolutely.

00:48:00.019 --> 00:48:03.799
And I just, like, I just needed that in that moment.

00:48:04.039 --> 00:48:08.219
And other people were, like, also kind of knew that I was struggling because

00:48:08.219 --> 00:48:13.339
I wanted to be there for you and for your family. And not that I wasn't because

00:48:13.339 --> 00:48:15.439
I was there mentally, but I just wasn't there physically.

00:48:17.079 --> 00:48:20.539
But you've been there for the whole time. No, and I know that.

00:48:20.559 --> 00:48:22.019
And you'll be here. And somebody else.

00:48:22.179 --> 00:48:26.279
Yeah. There's a lot of time ahead of us, you know, this is.

00:48:26.779 --> 00:48:29.739
And that's why I want, I like the other, you know, the other thing that I,

00:48:29.839 --> 00:48:32.999
I want to say is about like, uh, you know, Brittany, our, our,

00:48:33.579 --> 00:48:38.099
your friend, but our mutual friend said to me like, Hey, like she's going to understand.

00:48:38.159 --> 00:48:41.299
And at the same time, like you're going to be there for her on all the times

00:48:41.299 --> 00:48:44.359
in the future for all this. And I just want you to know that I will be.

00:48:44.879 --> 00:48:53.839
I know. So, you know, this journey has been a difficult one for you.

00:48:56.159 --> 00:48:59.699
I know this is going to, like, I don't mean this to sound insensitive.

00:48:59.699 --> 00:49:03.979
I'm glad you have some, I'm glad there's an end to this for you and your family,

00:49:03.979 --> 00:49:09.119
because I know how fraught with grief you guys have been.

00:49:09.119 --> 00:49:17.459
And knowing that this is something that dragged down as long as it did is very, very heart-wrenching.

00:49:17.639 --> 00:49:23.619
And to see you guys do it, but also to do it with grace and compassion and with

00:49:23.619 --> 00:49:28.619
love for your family members, I think is a lesson that everybody can take away from this.

00:49:28.999 --> 00:49:33.459
Thank you. And I do want to say if we...

00:49:34.046 --> 00:49:38.346
And obviously, we'll talk about this on different episodes and things like that.

00:49:38.426 --> 00:49:43.686
But in the future, if we have any listeners that have any questions or need

00:49:43.686 --> 00:49:47.286
anything, I unfortunately know

00:49:47.286 --> 00:49:52.946
more than somebody should on the system and what to do and what not to do.

00:49:52.946 --> 00:49:58.446
And, you know, and I really would love to be a resource for anybody out there

00:49:58.446 --> 00:50:03.846
who is unsure and struggling with elder care,

00:50:03.846 --> 00:50:09.926
because we certainly made a lot of mistakes in the beginning and things we just

00:50:09.926 --> 00:50:11.326
didn't know anything about.

00:50:11.326 --> 00:50:16.946
And, you know, more than anything in your life, just like small children,

00:50:17.326 --> 00:50:21.046
our older generation needs advocates.

00:50:21.566 --> 00:50:28.266
Yeah. You need to advocate on behalf of your elderly family members because

00:50:28.266 --> 00:50:31.386
they need you so, so much.

00:50:31.626 --> 00:50:36.086
And, you know, but I appreciate all of your kind words, Mr. Vitale.

00:50:36.206 --> 00:50:37.686
I appreciate you very much.

00:50:38.246 --> 00:50:44.166
Yep. I appreciate you too, friend. And I will forgive you from not being able

00:50:44.166 --> 00:50:49.206
to meet with me for lunch for a couple weeks because I'm glad that you are taking

00:50:49.206 --> 00:50:53.126
some time to yourself and to get your mind right before you come back.

00:50:53.386 --> 00:50:56.126
And it's also May and it's bananas.

00:50:57.286 --> 00:51:03.186
Yeah. I was like, mom, big ups for the making me, allowing me to miss testing. Yeah.

00:51:05.482 --> 00:51:09.082
I was saying that to her last week, like, mom, it's state testing. That's funny.

00:51:09.542 --> 00:51:12.702
It's cool. Nobody. So the other thing, you did allude to it.

00:51:12.822 --> 00:51:15.322
I do want to mention, if you're one of our listeners, if you're at a state of

00:51:15.322 --> 00:51:19.702
New Jersey, there's a little magazine that's out, the NGAEA Review Magazine.

00:51:20.182 --> 00:51:25.182
We have an article in that, which was written by Jamie, but has some of my voice in it.

00:51:26.362 --> 00:51:34.082
Because I am not one that's good with words. And we were helped very much by our beloved D'Lo.

00:51:34.802 --> 00:51:38.822
Yes. editing. So thank you to her for editing. I sent it to her today,

00:51:38.862 --> 00:51:41.742
actually. Yeah, please check out the article.

00:51:42.842 --> 00:51:46.462
Check out the article. And just remember, our Season 3 is brought to you by

00:51:46.462 --> 00:51:49.322
our presenting sponsor, Teacher's Insurance Plan. Check out their website for

00:51:49.322 --> 00:51:50.722
more information and to get a quote.

00:51:51.122 --> 00:51:54.442
Teacher's Insurance Plan, auto insurance that brings exclusive educator savings

00:51:54.442 --> 00:51:59.302
and exceptional customer care to New Jersey and Pennsylvania educational employees.

00:52:00.082 --> 00:52:03.382
Hey, friend. I appreciate you very much.

00:52:03.522 --> 00:52:07.002
I appreciate you. And it's good to have this episode. to see you in person yeah

00:52:07.002 --> 00:52:11.622
i know it's been uh it's been a crazy couple days so yeah um all right we'll

00:52:11.622 --> 00:52:17.202
uh see everybody next time on the balancing act podcast bye look for the balancing

00:52:17.202 --> 00:52:22.342
act podcast every week on your favorite podcast platform new episodes drop every

00:52:22.342 --> 00:52:24.122
tuesday thank you for being a.